Bella's Decision
by Aleatoire
Summary: Oneshot... Bella is at home, and her daughter has just asked her about her past.. How will Bella cope with bringing it up? New Moon spoilers...


"You're not allowed to date until you're married honey!" Jacob laughed as he left the room. Talks like this were high on his lists of ones to avoid.

Renee just laughed as well, her buoyant curls swinging as she did so. She knew never to take her father seriously when he laughed.

"So Mom," she turned back to me and smiled, flipping her dark hair over her shoulder and leaning closer to me from across the kitchen table, "who was your first boyfriend?"

I _knew _she'd ask again eventually; she was naturally a very curious creature, even at sixteen. For years she had pestered me about love and firsts and the like, but I had refused to tell her anything, always managing to duck out of it. I hadn't been ready to bring _him_ up yet, but I knew I would have to now. And she _had_ just been speaking of her potential first boyfriend, so it was only fair that I shared as well.

Renee had had a very different upbringing than any other human girl. Her father was still a werewolf, and her mother had lived around vampires knowingly for full well of a year. Jacob had informed her of the werewolves, including why they'd come into existence, so I had told her that reason. I told her about vampires, but I'd never mentioned Edward specifically, or any of the Cullens for that matter.

I had only spoken of James and Victoria and Laurent, and Jacob never told her about the Cullens either. I'd basically taught her to fear vampires, and with good reason, as only a handful were of the 'vegetarian' variety. And the ones I knew weren't coming back.

"Well dear," I began slowly, "His name was" – mental wince- "Edward Cullen. He was born in 1901, so I suppose that would make him a vampire."

"You fell in love with a _vampire_?" Renee asked incredulously, true to her beliefs – the ones I had taught her.

I sighed and closed my eyes, then waited a second before opening them. Twenty-five years later, and it still irked me to speak of him. Only slightly though. "Yes, I did. When I told you all vampires were bad, I lied. The Cullens - his family – were vegetarians."

"Vegetarians?" Renee was intrigued now, and I mentally slapped myself. I should have just told her about Mike Newton… But I didn't want to lie to her about my past, considering how much I had evaded speaking of it.

"That means they only drank the blood of animals."

"That must've been hard," Renee breathed. I had taught her a lot about a vampire's control, and their bloodlust.

"Yes, very," I went on, "Edward was completely in love with me, but the scent of my blood was like a calling for him."

"So how old does he look? How old _is_ he? What does he look like?" Renee was firing away with the questions now, and I was a bit slow in my reply.

"He looks seventeen," I said after a long pause in conversation. My voice was growing faint, and Renee struggled to hear me; after years of blissful and secure storage of my memories, bringing them and _him _up again was most likely going to prove a challenge. I collected myself once again and continued, slightly stronger than before, "He's actually… one hundred and thirty-two."

Yes, he was turning one hundred thirty-two this June… Why did I know that?

"So, what does he look like? Is he hot?" Renee, caught by trends in the media, used the term 'hot' to describe good looking boys… How ironic that word use was!

"Beyond anything you or I could fabricate in our minds…" I actually smiled, trying to recall his perfect physique. I saw it in my mind, though I knew it paled in comparison to the real deal. Yet as I saw him in my mind's eye, I noticed something. No longer did my heart speed up at the thought of his beauty. No longer did I long to see him, as I did so many years before when he had left. No longer did I feel like I had to be in his protective arms… I had Jake now, and he was more than enough protection.

"Mom?" Renee sounded worried, and I must have drifted from reality a bit.

I continued with a happy tone now, not worried about what this would do to me. "Let's see… He had an odd color hair, sort of… bronze that was always tousled and messy, but it suited him. His eyes were the most beautiful butterscotch when he wasn't thirsty, and coal black when he was. They smoldered no matter what color though, and I could always be dazzled by his stare. His skin was very pale and it sparkled brilliantly in the sun and his body, oh it was perfect! Every inch of it… from what I saw, anyways. My favorite aspect of him was his smile. It was mischievous, yet strangely innocent at the same time, not quite a smirk, more crooked and beautiful than anything."

Renee actually looked slightly afraid, and I supposed my tone of voice had contained a bit too much love and tenderness… I still loved him, but now it was just like how I had loved Jake before. As a friend… Yes, even after not seeing or hearing from him in twenty-five years, I would still consider Edward my friend… What a bizarre concept.

"Mom, you don't still love him, do you? How long did you date for? Why did you break up? When did you and Dad start dating?" Great, more questions…

Ten years ago this conversation would have had me sobbing with grief, but, as he had surmised, time healed all wounds. Or in my case, replaced old hurtful memories with new milestones, like watching my daughter as she grew up to become a young woman. Mine _and_ Jacob's daughter. Telling her my past was as if I was finally allowing it to be released from its prison in my mind: never brought up, yet never tossed away. Now bringing it up was helping me to free myself from it, to cleanse my mind of the haunting mementos.

I sighed deeply and propped my chin up on my arms, then closed my eyes for a long moment, recollecting these old memories from the farthest corners of my mind, where they had been banished and repressed until now. "I was eighteen; we'd been dating almost a year. I remember the last time I saw him very clearly . . . ."

I told her everything. I told her what had happened in the forest, I told her how I had stumbled after him, trying in vain to find him again, I even told her of when Sam had found me and brought me back to Charlie.

Her eyes widened at all the right parts, and she even gasped when I told her what a wreck I had been for the next four months.

"I was practically a zombie!" I laughed, but she looked horrified. It was a little sick that I was able to laugh, but I was. "Grandpa eventually told me to go and do something with myself instead of moping around the house all day and doing all my chores, all my homework."

"That's when you went to Dad…" Renee said breathlessly, "Right?"

I laughed again and replied, "Yes, that is when I found your dad. When Edward left, he made me promise that I wouldn't do anything reckless, so I did the exact opposite. I went and bought two old motorcycles that I knew _I_ would never get working…" We both laughed, knowing just how horrendous my mechanical skills were. "Naturally, Jacob was the perfect option for doing such a job. He was an excellent mechanic, I needed some company, my dad – Grandpa – loved him and approved, and I could give him the second bike. A friendship was formed."

"And out of that friendship spurred love…" Renee's long eyelashes were beginning to look slightly wet, and I was surprised at how touched she was by this tragedy-turned-romance. She was a hopeless romantic, and she reminded me of her namesake at times. She was much more responsible, though she did have a reckless edge to her, courtesy of my favorite werewolf.

"Yes, eventually we did get closer and closer together, as if it were natural, right. But then –"

"Edward came back?" Little Renee looked shocked, but I shook my head grimly.

"No, no he didn't. Your dad phased for the first time, and the pack didn't want him around me anymore." By the pack, we both knew I meant Sam. "They thought he would tell me everything. Since he couldn't tell me the truth, he started avoiding me." I left out how much of a jerk he had been to me during that time; Renee didn't need to hear about her father being like that. "Eventually I guessed the truth, since he had told me the old legends about a year before, so I technically already knew. The pack grudgingly accepted that I knew about their secret, and that's when I met Emily."

We both smiled: we knew Emily and her cooking well.

"Now, an evil vampire named Victoria was hunting me-"

"Why?" Renee interrupted, and I looked up to see that her eyes were suddenly sharp and full of distaste. She truly was a werewolf's daughter.

"I was getting to that, silly," I teased, "Victoria was hunting me because Edward had killed her mate, James, the year before, so she thought it would be fair if killed me – a mate for mate sort of deal."

"But you weren't his 'mate' anymore! Didn't she have a brain?"

"Ah, but I was at the time of James' death, and vampires are the type of species that _usually _mate for life. Or perhaps she knew of Edward's love for me still." I knew that would shock her, and I received her reaction just as I suspected she would deliver it.

"Wait a second!" Renee shouted, "I thought you said he didn't want you anymore! He still loved you? Why did he lie? WHY?"

Her incredulity made me laugh, and she got that scared look in her eyes again. I was still laughing when I spoke again. "He lied to keep me away from him. He thought that my being around him was bad for my health, and would soon result in me dying, either by his bite or one of his family's. He thought it would be better if I led a normal human life. He didn't want to change me." I laughed again, but it was bitter this time, cold and harsh.

That almost scared Renee more than the previous laugh, and she sat silent for a second until she remarked, "Mom, in case you hadn't noticed, you married a werewolf." My daughter giggled, "That hardly constitutes a normal human life." Then she was all business again. "But wait, if you haven't seen Edward since he left you the first time, how did you know he still loved you?"

I sighed, all laughter evading me now. This part was probably the most difficult. "Alice called."

"Alice?"

"His sister, who was – is – a psychic. She can tell the future based on a person's decisions. Edward had decided he would come back, just to see how I was, and to tell me he still loved me. I think Alice called me to tell me because she had foreseen…nothing. Do you know what that would mean?"

"No… What does it mean?" Renee was paying even more attention now, if that were at all possible.

"It means the wolves were a part of Edward's future. Her guess was that Jacob and Edward would fight, and she had no way of seeing how it would turn out. She was just as worried about Edward as she was about me."

"What was your reaction when she called?" Renee's impatience was hindering me slightly, but I knew she meant not to be deterring.

"My first reaction was to…want to see him again. At first, I was ready to take him back without a thought. But then I thought. And the more I thought, the more I realized I did not ever want to see him again. Partly, I wanted to keep him away due to the danger awaiting him if he came back, but the other half of me resented him. I hated the fact that he lied to me, I hated the fact that he believed he would kill me, and I especially abhorred the fact that he did not want to change me, because he feared for my _soul._ Fortunately for him, that soul of mine is most definitely still intact – unless marrying a werewolf would cause me to lose it." I laughed that bitter laugh again. How easy it was to speak of him now! Jacob and Renee had truly rid me of the guilt and pain that Edward had caused.

"If Edward could see me today…" I suddenly wondered, though I was just curious. "He'd say I went from one lethal monster to another!"

"At least Dad approves of your choice, and he isn't riddled with the instinctual urge to kill you all the time," Renee reasoned, "so this isn't half as bad then."

"I never thought of it like that Renee," I truly hadn't. Jacob did approve of my choice, whereas Edward would have detested whichever life I chose, except for maybe Mike Newton. No way would I have married Mike Newton. This talk was only making me feel much better about my choice of life, instead of the opposite, as I had previously believed.

I guess I had needed to tell someone after all. Renee, having never met Edward, was of course very biased towards the whole thing, but I didn't mind. I'd needed the reassurance that the decision I'd made had been right. I'd already heard it from Jake, but hearing it from _our_ daughter was that much better.

Though I couldn't help but wonder how Edward was getting along without me…

I supposed I would never know, and as I sat there across from Renee's youthful, innocent radiance, I realized that I was completely fine with that.

I was over him.


End file.
